Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
