Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Randomize
