you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
My vagina is officially offended.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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