Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
