You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
