Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
