I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
