I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
50% drunk capacity currently
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
