Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
the day after is always just damage control
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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