go do what you do best...puke behind churches
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
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