So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
