So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
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