ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
