All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
