My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
