Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I want her autograph on my taint
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
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