So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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