I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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