i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
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Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
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You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
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