Why does Corona taste like a burp?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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