I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
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He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
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