cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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