why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Randomize
