Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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