Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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