Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
