you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
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There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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