It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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