tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
