Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Randomize
