It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
