I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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