it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
