my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Panties = found
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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