i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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