I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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