I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
