I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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