i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
