did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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