just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Randomize
