he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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