so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I want to fling myself into the sun
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
