i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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