Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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