Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
