Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
