mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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