You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
