Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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