I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
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