someone threw a dead crab at me
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
