my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
