im six kinds of drunk right now
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
