You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Randomize
