I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
