I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
