Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I checked into jail on foursquare
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I licked your asshole in confidence.
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